Microsoft VS. GM

At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry
to the automotive industry by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,000
miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comment, General Motors issued a press release making the following
statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.

2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get
started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the
windows, shut off the car, restart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown
reason, you would simply do this without question.

4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre, such as a left turn, would cause your car
to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the
engine.

5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT",
but then you would also have to buy more seats.

6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size *censored*.

7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would
all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.

9) The air bag would ask your freshly mangled body "are you sure?" before going off.

10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse
to let you back in until you simultaneously lifted the driver-side door handle, turned
the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.

12) Buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally
road MAPS, despite the fact that you neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete
this option would immediately cause your car's performance to diminish by 50% or
more.

13) Every time GM INTRODUCED a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over
again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.

14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable
and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent
of the roads." The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.

Read the Good News!

This has now been changed by a wiring loom hack and some clever electronics and internal robotics approved by the "Family" Planning Council of America and Mothercare International.

The Windshield turns blue whilst chkeng /r repairs the engine and running gear telling you of its progress in 24 languages, if you were LUCKY enough to get the optional Multilingual Driver Interface. (INCLUDING a Sicillian dialect understood by 124 people living in a small village who habitually carry double-barrelled shotguns.) This causes you to crash into anything crashable, or to sink in a river, or drive off a bridge, run down pedestrians on the sidewalk, etc.

The company involved acknowledges that this IS a fault in the system but says that it is by design, what did you expect from a revolutionary beta system, and refers you to the EGUA (End Game User Agreement) which, in typically small print says that the Customer is always wrong and is a schmuck anyway.

The bonus is, that with the new Bliss upholstery you get the choice of a ride-on GRASS mower or a free flock of sheep.

If you buy the Pro version you get ejector seats which only operate in a tunnel. Yet another 'By design' feature.

The future is looking brighter than ever!